When people think you're being blunt, distracted, or uninterested, even though that's not what you mean, conversations can become frustrating and exhausting. This can be especially hard when you're already putting a lot of effort into avoiding misunderstandings.
Understanding your communication style and explaining your needs to others can help prevent misunderstandings. Small changes, such as asking for more time to think or making a request in writing, can make conversations easier for everyone involved.
In this article, you'll learn how to improve communication as a neurodivergent adult, why misunderstandings happen, and practical strategies that respect your communication style. It's written for autistic adults, adults with ADHD, and other neurodivergent adults who want conversations at work, at home, and with friends to feel easier.
Key Takeaways
Know your style: Improving communication as a neurodivergent adult often begins with knowing how you communicate best. Some people prefer direct language, need more time to think, or feel more comfortable with less eye contact.
Misunderstandings go both ways: Autistic and non-autistic people can misunderstand each other when their communication styles differ. Researchers call this the double empathy problem.
Strategies that fit you: Asking for time to think, preparing phrases, writing things down, and planning around sensory overload can make conversations less tiring. You don't have to hide your natural style to use them.
Help that respects your style: A communication coach or speech-language pathologist can help you work on the skills that matter to you, in your own style.
What Is Neurodivergent Communication?
How Does the Double Empathy Problem Explain Misunderstandings?
What Are Good Communication Strategies for Neurodivergent Adults?
How Can You Explain Your Communication Needs to Others?
Who Can Help Build Communication Skills for Neurodivergent Adults?
What We See Working with Clients
Frequently Asked Questions About Improving Communication as a Neurodivergent Adult
What Is Neurodivergent Communication?
Neurodivergent communication refers to the different ways autistic adults, adults with ADHD, and other neurodivergent people express themselves, process information, and interact with others. It can differ from common expectations and varies from person to person.
Neurodivergent is an umbrella term that includes autism, ADHD, dyslexia, dyspraxia (difficulty coordinating movement), and other differences in how the brain works. Some neurodivergent people have more than one of these conditions.
Some people don't recognize signs of neurodivergence until adulthood. Others have noticed differences throughout their lives but don't receive a diagnosis until later. A 2024 report from the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention estimated that 15.5 million U.S. adults had a current ADHD diagnosis in 2023, and about half were first diagnosed at age 18 or older.
Autism, ADHD, and other forms of neurodivergence can influence communication in different ways. Some common differences include:
Direct, literal language: Some autistic adults prefer straightforward communication or interpret language literally, which can make hints, implied meanings, or sarcasm harder to understand.
Extra processing time: Some neurodivergent people need extra time to process language before answering, especially when conversations move quickly.
Different eye contact preferences: Some people prefer less eye contact or find it easier to listen and think while looking away.
Deep, focused interests: Sharing a lot of detail about a topic you love can be a great way to connect.
ADHD attention shifts: Some adults with ADHD lose track of what's being said, interrupt someone, or change topics quickly when a new thought comes to mind.
Sensory overload: Loud rooms, bright lights, or crowds can make it much harder to understand words and follow a conversation. Some autistic people become quiet or leave the room when their surroundings feel overwhelming.
Echolalia: Some autistic people repeat words or phrases they've heard before. Echolalia is common in autistic children and also occurs in adults. It can serve different communication purposes, including expressing needs, sharing feelings, or processing language.
Some autistic adults communicate through writing, typing, or augmentative and alternative communication (AAC), either instead of speech or alongside it.
Neurodivergent adults also bring their own communication strengths, which can include directness, attention to detail, creative thinking, and deep knowledge of subjects that interest them.
How Does the Double Empathy Problem Explain Misunderstandings?
The double empathy problem is the idea that autistic and non-autistic people can struggle to understand each other. When an autistic person and a non-autistic person communicate, both bring their own experiences and expectations to the conversation. These differences can lead to misunderstandings on either side.
How Communication Differences Can Lead to Misunderstandings
| Communication difference | What it can look like | How it can be misunderstood |
|---|---|---|
| Direct communication | Saying exactly what you mean | Others interpret it as rude or blunt |
| Literal interpretation | Taking words at face value | Indirect requests or sarcasm are misunderstood |
| Extra processing time | Pausing before answering | Others assume the person isn't interested |
| Different eye contact preferences | Looking away to listen or think | Others assume the person isn't paying attention |
| Deep, focused interests | Sharing detailed information about a favorite topic | Others assume the person isn't interested in their perspective |
| ADHD attention shifts | Interrupting or changing topics quickly | Others interpret it as rude or not listening |
| Sensory overload | Becoming quiet or leaving a noisy room | Others assume the person is being unfriendly |
| Indirect communication | Using hints or implied meanings instead of direct requests | Someone who prefers explicit language doesn't recognize what's being asked |
| Connected Speech Pathology | connectedspeechpathology.com | ||
Misunderstandings can happen in both directions. An autistic person might find indirect requests confusing, while a non-autistic person might interpret direct language as rude. Neither communication style is inherently wrong.
The term comes from Damian Milton, an autistic researcher at the University of Kent. In 2012, he described empathy as a two-way process shaped by different life experiences.
A 2020 study in the journal Autism tested this idea. Researchers led by Catherine Crompton at the University of Edinburgh asked groups of eight people to share a story, with each person telling the next what they heard.
Groups made up entirely of autistic participants or entirely of non-autistic participants passed along information with similar accuracy. Mixed groups passed along less information. Participants also reported greater rapport in groups made up of people with the same neurotype, suggesting that shared communication experiences can influence how connected people feel.
Most research on the double empathy problem has focused on autistic people, and less is known about how it applies to ADHD and other forms of neurodivergence.
In some social situations, people expect quick replies, steady eye contact, and familiar body language. Differences in eye contact, response time, tone, or body language can lead people to misinterpret each other's intentions.
For example, a non-autistic person might interpret looking away as a lack of interest, while an autistic person might find an indirect request confusing. In both situations, the misunderstanding comes from different communication expectations rather than either person intentionally being difficult.
Some neurodivergent people mask in social situations to avoid judgment or negative reactions. Masking involves hiding or changing aspects of how you naturally communicate or behave to meet others' expectations, such as forcing eye contact or copying conversational styles. Some autistic adults describe masking as exhausting or say it affects their sense of identity.
The goal is mutual understanding, not expecting neurodivergent people to hide their natural communication styles. You can ask for more time to answer, explain that you prefer direct language, or take breaks when conversations become tiring. Other people can help by giving you time to respond, communicating clearly, and respecting differences in eye contact and body language.
What Are Good Communication Strategies for Neurodivergent Adults?
Communication strategies work best when they fit your needs, preferences, and goals. The suggestions below are options to try, not rules you need to follow. A communication coach or speech-language pathologist can help you identify useful strategies and practice them with personalized feedback.
Know Your Communication Preferences
Start by noticing the conversations that feel comfortable and the ones that leave you tired. Look for patterns, such as preferring one-on-one talks, written messages, or quiet places.
Some people find it helpful to keep brief notes after difficult conversations to identify what made them challenging, such as interruptions, feeling rushed, or unclear language. Noticing these patterns can help you prepare for conversations and explain your needs to people you talk with often.
Ask for Time and Clarification
If you know you need extra time to respond, you can tell the other person before or during the conversation. You can say, “Let me think about that for a second” when you need a pause, or “Can I get back to you by email?” when you'd rather respond in writing.
If you're unsure what someone means by a hint or joke, you can ask them to explain before you respond. A short clarification script, such as “Do you mean that literally?” or “Can you say that another way?”, makes it easy to ask. To repair a moment that went wrong, try “I think that came out more bluntly than I meant.”
Use Scripts for Small Talk and High-Stakes Moments
Small talk feels natural to some people and uncomfortable or unnecessary to others. If you want to feel more prepared, having a few conversation openers ready can help. You can ask about someone's weekend or a project they mentioned. Open-ended questions, such as “What got you into that?”, let the other person do some of the talking.
Preparing a short script can also help during important meetings or a job interview. You can prepare how you'll open, how you'll ask for a question to be repeated, and how you'll wrap up, so you have less to work out on the spot.
Keep Track of Your Point in Conversations
Some adults with ADHD find themselves interrupting others or losing track of conversations. Difficulties with attention and working memory can make it harder to hold onto a thought while someone else is talking. Jotting a word on paper or your phone can help you remember what you wanted to say until there's a pause.
If you interrupt someone, you can say, “Sorry, please finish what you were saying,” to give them a chance to continue. When you lose track of what's being said, it's fine to say, “Can you repeat the last part?”
Understand Nonverbal Communication Without Making Assumptions
Body language, tone of voice, facial expressions, and other nonverbal communication can carry meaning, but people interpret these cues in different ways. Some autistic adults find these signals hard to interpret, and conversation partners can misread an autistic person's signals too.
You don't have to force eye contact to show you're listening. If it feels natural, you can acknowledge what someone says, ask a follow-up question, or briefly repeat what you heard to confirm your understanding. This kind of active listening can also help catch a misunderstanding early. When someone's expression or tone is unclear, you can ask, “I'm not sure how you meant that. Can you clarify?”
Use Other Forms of Communication, Including Visual Aids and AAC
Spoken language is only one of many forms of communication. Messages that don't need an instant reply, such as texts, email, or a team chat, give you time to process information and decide what to say. A written agenda can help you keep track of a meeting, and picture charts can help some people share feelings and needs without relying on speech.
Augmentative and alternative communication (AAC) includes tools and methods that support communication when speech alone doesn't meet someone's needs. These range from simple letter or picture boards to apps and speech-generating devices.
AAC can be used instead of speech or alongside it. The best choice depends on your communication needs, preferences, and the situations in which you plan to use it.
Manage Sensory Input and Energy in Social Interactions
Background noise or bright lights can lead to sensory overload, which can make it harder to process information. Group conversations can be harder to follow when several people speak, or topics change quickly. Choosing a quieter seat, suggesting a walk instead of a loud restaurant, or taking short breaks can make social interactions easier.
In open-plan offices, noise-reducing headphones can help limit distractions. During online meetings, hiding your self-view can make it easier to focus on the conversation. Some people tell friends or coworkers when they're getting tired from socializing, so others understand why they need to leave early.
If sensory differences regularly make everyday activities uncomfortable or overwhelming, an occupational therapist can help you explore strategies and environmental adjustments that fit your needs.
How Can You Explain Your Communication Needs to Others?
Explaining your communication preferences can help others understand what works for you and reduce misunderstandings. You don't need to share a diagnosis or personal information to ask for what you need. For example, you can say, “I'm a direct communicator, so if I sound blunt, it doesn't mean I'm upset,” or “I find it easier to follow instructions when they're written down.”
These statements communicate your preferences clearly while giving others practical ways to support you. You can decide what to share, when to share it, and with whom.
With Family Members and Friends
Talking with supportive family members and friends about your communication preferences can help everyone understand each other better. For example, you can explain that you prefer clear requests instead of hints, need extra time to respond, or find certain social settings overwhelming. Family members and friends can also share their preferences so communication works better for everyone.
Shared interests can also make it easier to connect with others. Clubs, games, volunteering, and online communities centered on topics you enjoy offer opportunities to meet people and build friendships.
In Dating and Relationships
Dating and relationships can involve misunderstandings when people have different expectations about communication. Talking openly about your preferences, such as agreeing to make requests directly rather than relying on hints, can help both partners understand each other.
If a conversation becomes difficult, you can agree to take a break and return to it later. Some people also find it easier to explain their thoughts or feelings in writing. The goal is to find ways of communicating that respect both partners' needs.
At Work
Many workplace challenges for neurodivergent adults involve unwritten social rules, how information is shared, and expectations about response time. You can ask for meeting agendas in advance, written follow-ups after verbal conversations, time to prepare before speaking, or clearer explanations of workplace expectations.
These adjustments can make communication more predictable and help coworkers work together more effectively. You can ask for everyday communication adjustments without disclosing a diagnosis, though formal workplace accommodations may require additional steps.
If your goals center on meetings, presentations, or workplace conversations, online communication coaching can help you practice strategies that fit your communication style and professional goals.
Communication Coaching for Neurodivergent Professionals
Learn how one-on-one coaching can help neurodivergent professionals.
Who Can Help Build Communication Skills for Neurodivergent Adults?
A communication coach can help neurodivergent adults work on everyday conversations, workplace communication, and social skills. One-on-one sessions can focus on organizing your thoughts, expressing yourself clearly, navigating misunderstandings, and preparing for situations such as meetings, interviews, or social gatherings.
Some communication coaches are licensed speech-language pathologists with specialized training in language, speech, and social communication. This background can help them understand how communication differences affect everyday conversations, workplace interactions, and relationships. Coaching is personalized to your goals, with opportunities to practice real-life conversations, receive feedback, and develop strategies that work for you.
Neurodivergent and neurotypical communication styles are equally valid. The goal of communication coaching isn't to make you communicate like a neurotypical person. It's to help you build confidence, reduce communication barriers, and express yourself in your own way, while respecting your natural communication style.
If you're experiencing anxiety, depression, low self-esteem, or burnout, a licensed mental health professional can provide assessment, treatment, and emotional support. Some people benefit from both communication coaching and mental health care, depending on their needs.
What We See Working with Clients
We work with neurodivergent adults who want to make communication easier at work, at home, and in social situations. The following examples are based on clients we've worked with, with identifying details changed to protect their privacy.
One client, an accountant, learned he was autistic at age 31. His coworkers sometimes interpreted his brief chat messages and direct feedback during meetings as rude, even though that wasn't his intention. He had started avoiding optional meetings because keeping up with fast-paced conversations and responding on the spot left him exhausted.
During coaching, we identified the situations he found most challenging, helped him explain his communication preferences to coworkers, and found ways to give feedback that reflected his intentions. He also began requesting meeting agendas in advance and written follow-ups afterward. By the end of coaching, he reported that meetings felt less draining and that communication with his coworkers had improved.
Another client, a woman in her forties with ADHD, wanted to feel more comfortable spending time with friends. Her friends had mentioned that she sometimes interrupted or changed topics quickly. Although she enjoyed socializing, she often left gatherings exhausted from constantly monitoring what she said.
During coaching, we practiced strategies to track her thoughts while others spoke, recognize opportunities to contribute, and return to a conversation after an interruption. She also chose to share her ADHD diagnosis with close friends and take short breaks during longer gatherings. Over time, she reported feeling more relaxed with friends and spending less energy monitoring her communication.
Frequently Asked Questions About Improving Communication as a Neurodivergent Adult
1. Can neurodivergent adults improve their communication skills?
Yes. Neurodivergent adults can develop communication skills throughout adulthood with practice, feedback, and strategies that respect their individual communication styles. Coaching can help with social communication, workplace conversations, and building relationships without expecting someone to change who they are.
2. Do autistic people need to make eye contact to communicate well?
No. Autistic individuals can communicate effectively without maintaining steady eye contact, and preferences vary across the autism spectrum. Eye contact is only one aspect of nonverbal communication, and looking away doesn't necessarily mean someone isn't listening.
3. How can autistic adults share a special interest in a way that keeps the conversation going?
Sharing a special interest can be a meaningful way to connect with others and build relationships. Practical tips include asking if someone wants to hear more, pausing to invite their thoughts, and showing interest in what they enjoy while respecting your natural autistic communication style.
4. Do I need a diagnosis to get communication coaching?
No. Communication coaching focuses on your goals, so you can work on communication difficulties or social skills with or without a formal diagnosis. Our reflective neurodivergent quiz can help you explore your communication preferences, but it isn't a diagnostic tool.
5. How does ADHD affect conversations?
ADHD can affect attention, impulse control, and verbal communication, leading some adults to interrupt, change topics quickly, or lose track of what they wanted to say. These communication difficulties vary, and strategies such as jotting down thoughts, asking for clarification, and practicing conversational turn-taking can help.
How Connected Speech Pathology Can Help
At Connected Speech Pathology, we help you strengthen your communication skills while respecting your natural communication style. Our communication coaches provide personalized social skills training and ADHD communication coaching based on your strengths, needs, and goals.
Through one-on-one live online sessions, you can practice conversations at work, with friends, and in relationships. We help you express your needs, navigate misunderstandings, and develop communication strategies that feel comfortable and work for you in everyday life.
Summary
If you're looking to improve communication as a neurodivergent adult, understanding your own communication style is a good place to start. You might prefer direct language, need extra time to process information, or feel more comfortable with less eye contact.
The double empathy problem helps explain how differences in communication styles can lead to misunderstandings between autistic and non-autistic people. Understanding and adapting to each other's preferences can make communication easier for everyone.
Strategies such as asking for time to think, preparing for conversations, using different forms of communication, and managing sensory overload can help with everyday interactions. A communication coach or speech-language pathologist can help you identify and practice strategies that fit your needs and goals.
About the Author
Allison Geller, M.A., CCC-SLP, is a communication coach, speech-language pathologist, and founder of Connected Speech Pathology, an international online practice providing professional communication coaching and speech therapy for children, teens, and adults. With more than two decades of experience, she has worked in medical and educational settings and published research on aphasia. Today, she leads a team of specialists who help clients improve their skills in public speaking, vocal presence, accent clarity, articulation, language, fluency, and interpersonal communication.
